“Prison is a nightmare for those who deserve it. For those who don’t, it is a daily struggle to maintain some level of sanity. For those who suddenly learn that there is proof of their innocence yet they remain locked up, the situation is literally maddening.”
– Author, John Grisham
Hello to everyone and Happy New Year.
After a very long break, I recently felt compelled to write again. You see, I’m reading a new book (a novel) that Lisa sent me for Christmas, The Guardians, by John Grisham. It’s about a group called “Guardian Ministries” that work on wrongful convictions. The main character, a wrongful conviction lawyer, is fighting to have his innocent client freed. Even though the lawyer and his team have uncovered evidence to prove innocence, his client remains behind bars. It is a long and difficult road to exoneration fighting a system of laws designed to put people in prison, not to let them out. As I was reading the book I came across the above quoted passage and suddenly had to stop. I read it again and then said out loud, “This is me. This is what I am feeling. He gets it.”
It is now January of 2020 and another year has passed since my wrongful conviction. It has been 24 years since I was arrested and everything I cared about was taken away. It was January of 1996 when I was put behind bars, falsely accused of a terrible crime that I did not commit. I have been fighting to prove my innocence ever since. It must also be acknowledge that it was 24 years ago this month that little Christopher needlessly lost his life. His loss is never forgotten.
Over the many, many years of my incarceration I’ve often found it difficult to express what it is like to be imprisoned as an innocent man; isolated and alone, helpless and desperate for someone to listen, someone to understand, someone to help. It’s different in prison for someone who is innocent. It’s much, much harder. Of course being confined in a prison is in of itself depressing and oppressive for all, but every day is a devastating struggle when you’re innocent. Every day. As each day passes, hope becomes an elusive concept that you struggle to hold on to. I’ve noticed, however, that the guilty seem to be able to find a psychological acceptance to their confinement and reconcile a type of peace. Perhaps it’s just easier when you know you’re guilty. I have never felt that acceptance or peace. Never. Every day that I remain locked up as an innocent man is physical and psychological torture and, like Mr. Grisham wrote, “literally maddening.”
What helps is trying to focus on all that I have and not what I’ve lost. And I do have so much. I have the love of an incredible woman who is my partner and my rock. I have a loving and supportive family who through all of this has stood by my side. I have many close friends who continue to love and support me. And I have all of you who have given me your encouragement, support and prayers. For all that I have I am very grateful. And, during the darkest of days remembering what “I have” is what gives me the strength to go on. So, I put on a brave face, tell everyone that I’m okay, and I survive another day, another year, another decade. I survive to fight.
I also have an amazing group of people working on my case, all fighting together with me to prove my innocence. And, incredibility, this year joining our legal team is a wrongful conviction clinic from a prestigious Boston law school . The professor and class of law students are now working with the rest of our team to bring me home. We are optimistic that this will be the year that we file with the court and my conviction will be overturned. Our hope is that once we present our overwhelming evidence and detail the egregious errors, the Bristol County District Attorney will not oppose our motion and take the opportunity to be a hero and right a terrible wrong. Wishful thinking?
To simply state that it is a difficult task to overturn a wrongful conviction is a monumental understatement. And, remaining locked away in prison while hoping for your conviction to be overturned is agonizing and maddening. But, there is strength and power in love, in family, in dreams, in optimism. We remain optimistic. We have hope. We have dreams. In fact, we are calling 2020 the year of dreams. So, this year, like every year, we will dream. Dream of a life where we won’t have to fight anymore. Dream of a life together, as a family. Dream of being truly free. Dream of chapter three. And our dreams are what will bring us One Day Closer…